4 months of physical and emotional Pain (ha!)

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4 Months of Physical and Emotional Pain (ha!)

The bad news is that I was having a bad time, even for me who tries to live life on a permanent fun ride. The good news is I’m back, as witnessed by my current blog entry. I’d like to take this moment to express my gratitude to those of my fans who hung in there sending their love and support for what I was going through.

For starters, the trilogy I had been working on (THE CARETAKERS, the story of a young man who wishes to open a retreat for aged BDSMers) was ‘dumped on’ by my publisher. Despite the success of the first installment “ZANDER’S PLACE” which

is still offerred as a free download.

First let me assure you that it was never my plan to get rich writing, especially via erotic romances. Of course “FIFTY SHADES OF GREY” has caused me to look at writing erotic romances with a less prejudiced eye to the possibilities! Anyway, the follow up installment was met with a lot less enthusiasm than my writings had been in the past decades.

I don’t know any creative person who doesn’t see their ‘creation’ as anything other than their ‘baby’! Attack my child, attack me. It is also not a revelation to know that many of us tend to have …well…uh…egos. Sometimes the more insecure we are the larger and more fragile our egos tend to be. I’m not saying that I’M insecure, (perish the thought!) lets just say that until the day I hit that one million sales mark I will continue to put my stories through rewrites up to and even right after publication.

My publisher, I must point out, has helped greatly in making me the writer that I am. She brought me from 1000 word short stories to 50,000 word-count stories and anthologies. That being said, she is also a writer and a business woman, but has no ‘bedside manner’ when it comes to personal interaction with her writers (at least not with me.)  You say if she improved my writing then I should be happy…yes, I hear you. Problem is, it’s a classic case of tossing out the baby with the bath water. She made me a better writer but she took the fun and joy out of writing. As I said earlier, I’m not in this for the money. Bottom line is I just stopped writing, EVERYTHING.

To make matters worse, while still being plagued with foot issues I developed Carpal Tunnel Syndrome which, contrary to popular belief, isn’t just for overworked writers. In my case it turned out to be a diabetic/arthritis complication and gradually I ended up with limited mobility in my right hand. I couldn’t hold onto things and my fingers had a mind of their own. The ailment didn’t interfere with my use of the keyboard but contributed to my general feeling of ‘loss’.

When my partner suggested a two month trip to Amsterdam I was in disbelief but jumped at the chance. Not only had I always been productive writing wise in Amsterdam, but I intended to use the time to ‘catch up’ on all my computer work and promoting myself by registering on sites and promoting the books that I had written.

I had also written two of my most successful stories inspired by previous trips to Amsterdam, “Daniel Does Amsterdam” and “I’ll be Damned“.

However my hand was rapidly deteriorating and I decided that I would have enough time to do the surgery and recuperate in time for the trip. I was half right. The surgery went well enough (jury is still out, I’m not dropping stuff anymore) but the recovery time is still going on a month later and I am on and off pain killers if not for the neuropathy then the surgical residue of healing. Besides after all, I am in Amsterdam

FYI The right hand is the challenged one. I am left handed in all things else.

There was a time when my “writer’s mode” consisted of whiskey and cigarettes which I called my Ernest Hemingway model. I now feel I am progressing into my William Burroughs’ mode, although not as drastic.

I no longer stayed up all night writing but adapted the “early to bed and early to rise” model of living. Hated it. My partner hated it more. I tend too be rather chatty in the morning. I even suggested we do a podcast of topics. Still a good idea I think, but that would mean we’d both have to be chatting.

That revelation, and the fact that I hate “early to bed..etc “, and I was missing writing was starting to get to me. Also, where it seemed I had only two options to getting my writing to the public, it turns out I might have three. One is to maintain my current position, I could self publish (which I’ve done a few times) or join my former editor in helping to make a change to another publishing house.

Certainly once I am fully over the self pity (fully in a day or so) I can come up with lots of refreshing ideas. One of them is practicing photography (some examples below) that will please me, publishers and you, good reader!

Amsterdam, which has long been my spiritual home, has worked its healing powers on me and given me more light and insight into not just my creative life but my personal life as well, which is also due for a few changes. Stepping outside the box, it is easier to look inside and see all that’s right or not right with its contents. A sort of broader oversight. I can see more clearly now.

See you sooner rather than later! Above pic: Me now with a new hat and a new attitude!)

CAIN BERLINGER

(Below, hidden talents as a photog?)

Baby its cold outside!

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bdsm, cain berligner, darkside, erotic, erotic ebook, gay, inspiration, international, leather

Baby It’s cold outside, How could I resist referring to the classic popular song. Because baby it has been positively Arctic outside. I hate the winters and tend to hibernate. It used to be  the more exciting the city the more horrendous the weather but with global warming that has changed somewhat.  New York it seems is always going to be the ‘excitement ‘ city of choice, even if many of its venues have slithered underground and the reputation it enjoyed in the 70’s is gone. Sure it cured crime but ruling mayor Rudolf Giuliani threw out the baby with the bath water.

Although that being said I still love Amsterdam of all my cities come rain or shine or bone chilling temperatures. However when I do my hibernating i do it with my computer and imagination. I write, write and then write some more. Winters, like the night leave me alone with a minimum of distractions. That for me is where ideas are born.

Th end of last year was rough but productive. Last year I produced many e-books and paperback books. Oddly enough as a Leather man whose sexual life is heavy in the BDSM realm I have written very little on those themes. Write what you know was what I had been hearing most of my writing career but it seemed I didn’t completely practice what I preached and as a result I have produced little in the way of Leather sensibilities. So, meet Zander Frost a Leatherman of an indeterminable age.

Zander is building  a retreat that will house older fetish and kinky types who will have partners to play with and share their expertise with other older players.  Starting with THE CARETAKERS:ZANDER FROST is the trilogy I’ve always wanted to do. Zander grows, recruits and interviews , an interesting array of characters which I’m sure readers will delight in getting acquainted with.

As you know my former publisher and I have come to a parting of the ways.She motivated me to do better, write more, pay attention to details. Like most relationships there were moment of contention but I gave her a string of bestseller and she moved me to think of myself as something more than an X-rated writer, but a writer capable of more than 99 cents a sale.

Almost every idea I have these days is how I can incorporate it into Zander’s Place. Isn’t that how a series is born? Self Publishing is a challenge which I have done in he past back when I was breaking into books and moving away from short stories for magazines. It was a fairly easy accomplishment and even now it can still be very easy  to do and it does help you appreciate what it is that a publisher is supposed to do. It’s been my experience that the only drawback is finding distributors that will get your books out to your target audience. A lot of marketers seem to balk a bit at marketing XXX publications. Amazon banned two of my books in the past simply because the words “Daddy” and ‘Boy” were in the titles (Daddy Ben and Prison Boy Toy). Since my demographic is so specific, I will be using specialized marketing. We don’t write to get rich, we do it because we love it!

I hope that all the people who have downloaded their free copy of   “Zander’s Place”  have enjoyed it Below are copies of the books that I have self published. Missing is the series of Health and Fitness books that I published under the name RD Cain which are still available on request. Also missing, Do you work in the Nude? Hysterically illustrated and written chronicling my life as  Massage Therapist.

Above are a few of my self published books. 8×10 Illustrated by seven independent artists The art is x-rated. (2007) Hands Illustrated  (2010) Hands Illustrated is a beautifully illustrated book of short tales about fisting. Meditations and Affirmations (2007) Many black an white pictures and as the title says Meditations. Black men in Leather is the most successful  of my self published books. 171 pages of what black and white Leather rmen see in each other. All books pictured here are available on request.

Why I Don’t “Do” Phone

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bdsm, cain berlinger, ebook, phone sex, writing

There is a segment of the Internet community that cruise web sites of a social-sexual nature,  reads or skims profiles in search of love, friendship but mostly NSA (no strings attached) sex. Certainly those of us who do the sites all have horror stories of our own to tell. Segments of that group believe many others are just as attracted to chopped up profile pics than say, a face. Whose to say a hot torso , or a pic of someone’s chest or abs isn’t the key to ‘happily ever after’? Better yet, no pics at all creates an air of mystery. Seems half the Internet is in the witness protection program. Are you ready for your mystery date? My theory is if you run into someone over the age of 10 and they claim no pictures of them exist, run! But remember there are exceptions to every rule, ah’m jest sayin’!

So getting back on topic, you have probably figured that I shouldn’t even be on these sites if that’s the cynical way I feel. Truth is not all experiences have been the stuff of Wes Craven movies. That being said I do have a serious pet peeve and thats the guys who are to lazy to read/write a profile. They want to do phone. There are merits to the phone connection. Sometime a voice can tell you a lot about a ‘hook-up’. Some folks get turned on by a voice. Although a voice can be misleading. Some of us have so fine tuned our fantasy of ‘Mr.Right’ that a nasal voice, stutter, or over use of ebonics can make or break a connection.

Once you get past the voice there’s that question of what do you talk about? If your like me, all the pertinent statistics are in my profile, and if there is one thing I hate its redundancy. Read the profile. Don’t give me your phone number because on a first time ‘maybe‘ because I won’t call you. I don’t write it down, I don’t save the e-mail, and my phone contacts is already full of asterisks (#’s from before I instigated the no call policy).

Usually after the initial “what’s up”? theres the usual (already in profile) questions, and if that doesn’t bore you they’ll try to ease you into sex chat, which if your into that, its cool but this is about me and I’m not into phone sex, why else would I be here!

Other reasons I don’t do phone is that I’m a major multi -tasker. Asking me to do phone means your asking me to devote all my attention to you. I will be watching television, if this is a first call chances are you won’t be as interesting as anything I’m watching be it ‘local news’ or another ‘Criminal Minds’ marathon. I will likely be ‘chatting’ with someone else on line usually a friend with whom we share a mutual interest. Aside from surfing I’ll be paying bills maybe, or working on a story. The point is I’m always in the middle of something else and until proven we have a chance (which would be indicated in a complete profile) theres no reason to waste valued time with you at this point. Even in casual hook ups I have to know theres something more on the table than a sexual connection. I’m not particularly a people person, isn’t this reason enough?  Ah’m jes say’in….LOL

This weeks offering is TY’S SOLUTION a romance story that uses BDSM and forced restraint as romantic tools between star crossed lovers .  I call it one of my softer offerings. Sometime we express our needs through the tools and whatever choices are available to us at the time.  TY’S SOLUTION is a universal theme of two people facing society’s judgements of dating within our own race, conflicting social status and the way they can keep normally rational people apart. TY’S SOLUTION is only one of life’s many options. Until the next time! Enjoy

Cain’s Second Blog

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amazon, bdsm, cain berlinger, ebook, erotic, erotica, kindle, morphine

Hey There Readers, Please take your time to enjoy my new website. It’s a brand new birthing process and I’d really like to share in your feedback, suggestions etc. I’m asking you to shared in the birth process as it were! I’ve had a bit of time on my hands due to a nasty foot infection which landed me in the hospital for three weeks of this lovely summer. Instead of writing about my travels and party highlights I’m writing about pain and surgery and learning to walk again.

BUT WAIT….

This is not going to be a ‘woe is me entry’, we all have problems of our own. There will be time for that later (I look forward to your letters). What I’d like to point out is how to harvest the positive side of a murky situation. First of all try not to go head to toe with the Universe, especialy when it sends you the message that you need to slow down and, yes, smell the roses. I had so much on my plate I couldn’t really enjoy all of it as much as I’d like to, racing off to one airport after another, one event after another. This incident has forced me to see the people I care about more and meet a lot of friends whom I had previously not a lot of time for. Life is not a PBS special and I haven’t changed my ways totally but I’m going to set about a plan to amend them.

Old mans here got to get to the gym and get more of the basics, sleep and water! Who knew? As I rush toward the autumn of my years I realize that without your health, ya got nuthin. As a former personal trainer I know all the stuff to do, I just need a few friendly nudges to push me in the right direction and keep me there.

The real exciting part of this was that while I was almost constantly in pain which means I was almost constantly on pain killers, in the hospital it was the morphine that calmed me the most. A lot of the time it was really hard to focus on anything but the pain, but the writer in me decided to take the madness and sexual fantasies and just go for broke and over the top. The result is my latest offering ‘MORPHINE’. (On Kindle and all other digital formats) and It takes place in an English manor that passes for an institute that houses sexual deviants and is run by Viscount Hillary Preston. Hillary, who seems to have affected cures for man’s most basic instincts, invites his protege Sir Arthur Tinsdale come to Briarcliff Institute to learn of the doctor’s methods. And then watch as the mayhem ensues.

It’s clear I was fighting a lot of demons, morphine induced and otherwise to pound out this 22,000 word novella. There is a little bit of something for everyone, and as my usual trademark, one man’s perversion is another man’s vacation spot. There’s a lot of clear imagery and some murky ideals but don’t read it all in one sitting. Savor the mood, get to know the protagonists as Arthur does. Did I mention there is one mystery? Someone’s in a room at the top of the stairs!

A lot of my writing has explored a lot of ‘vanilla’ sex and veered off into other realms of …difference. I hope you’ll enjoy this book as much as I’ve enjoyed writing it.

Please enjoy my website and help us all get to know one another!