4 months of physical and emotional Pain (ha!)

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4 Months of Physical and Emotional Pain (ha!)

The bad news is that I was having a bad time, even for me who tries to live life on a permanent fun ride. The good news is I’m back, as witnessed by my current blog entry. I’d like to take this moment to express my gratitude to those of my fans who hung in there sending their love and support for what I was going through.

For starters, the trilogy I had been working on (THE CARETAKERS, the story of a young man who wishes to open a retreat for aged BDSMers) was ‘dumped on’ by my publisher. Despite the success of the first installment “ZANDER’S PLACE” which

is still offerred as a free download.

First let me assure you that it was never my plan to get rich writing, especially via erotic romances. Of course “FIFTY SHADES OF GREY” has caused me to look at writing erotic romances with a less prejudiced eye to the possibilities! Anyway, the follow up installment was met with a lot less enthusiasm than my writings had been in the past decades.

I don’t know any creative person who doesn’t see their ‘creation’ as anything other than their ‘baby’! Attack my child, attack me. It is also not a revelation to know that many of us tend to have …well…uh…egos. Sometimes the more insecure we are the larger and more fragile our egos tend to be. I’m not saying that I’M insecure, (perish the thought!) lets just say that until the day I hit that one million sales mark I will continue to put my stories through rewrites up to and even right after publication.

My publisher, I must point out, has helped greatly in making me the writer that I am. She brought me from 1000 word short stories to 50,000 word-count stories and anthologies. That being said, she is also a writer and a business woman, but has no ‘bedside manner’ when it comes to personal interaction with her writers (at least not with me.)  You say if she improved my writing then I should be happy…yes, I hear you. Problem is, it’s a classic case of tossing out the baby with the bath water. She made me a better writer but she took the fun and joy out of writing. As I said earlier, I’m not in this for the money. Bottom line is I just stopped writing, EVERYTHING.

To make matters worse, while still being plagued with foot issues I developed Carpal Tunnel Syndrome which, contrary to popular belief, isn’t just for overworked writers. In my case it turned out to be a diabetic/arthritis complication and gradually I ended up with limited mobility in my right hand. I couldn’t hold onto things and my fingers had a mind of their own. The ailment didn’t interfere with my use of the keyboard but contributed to my general feeling of ‘loss’.

When my partner suggested a two month trip to Amsterdam I was in disbelief but jumped at the chance. Not only had I always been productive writing wise in Amsterdam, but I intended to use the time to ‘catch up’ on all my computer work and promoting myself by registering on sites and promoting the books that I had written.

I had also written two of my most successful stories inspired by previous trips to Amsterdam, “Daniel Does Amsterdam” and “I’ll be Damned“.

However my hand was rapidly deteriorating and I decided that I would have enough time to do the surgery and recuperate in time for the trip. I was half right. The surgery went well enough (jury is still out, I’m not dropping stuff anymore) but the recovery time is still going on a month later and I am on and off pain killers if not for the neuropathy then the surgical residue of healing. Besides after all, I am in Amsterdam

FYI The right hand is the challenged one. I am left handed in all things else.

There was a time when my “writer’s mode” consisted of whiskey and cigarettes which I called my Ernest Hemingway model. I now feel I am progressing into my William Burroughs’ mode, although not as drastic.

I no longer stayed up all night writing but adapted the “early to bed and early to rise” model of living. Hated it. My partner hated it more. I tend too be rather chatty in the morning. I even suggested we do a podcast of topics. Still a good idea I think, but that would mean we’d both have to be chatting.

That revelation, and the fact that I hate “early to bed..etc “, and I was missing writing was starting to get to me. Also, where it seemed I had only two options to getting my writing to the public, it turns out I might have three. One is to maintain my current position, I could self publish (which I’ve done a few times) or join my former editor in helping to make a change to another publishing house.

Certainly once I am fully over the self pity (fully in a day or so) I can come up with lots of refreshing ideas. One of them is practicing photography (some examples below) that will please me, publishers and you, good reader!

Amsterdam, which has long been my spiritual home, has worked its healing powers on me and given me more light and insight into not just my creative life but my personal life as well, which is also due for a few changes. Stepping outside the box, it is easier to look inside and see all that’s right or not right with its contents. A sort of broader oversight. I can see more clearly now.

See you sooner rather than later! Above pic: Me now with a new hat and a new attitude!)

CAIN BERLINGER

(Below, hidden talents as a photog?)

Baby its cold outside!

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bdsm, cain berligner, darkside, erotic, erotic ebook, gay, inspiration, international, leather

Baby It’s cold outside, How could I resist referring to the classic popular song. Because baby it has been positively Arctic outside. I hate the winters and tend to hibernate. It used to be  the more exciting the city the more horrendous the weather but with global warming that has changed somewhat.  New York it seems is always going to be the ‘excitement ‘ city of choice, even if many of its venues have slithered underground and the reputation it enjoyed in the 70’s is gone. Sure it cured crime but ruling mayor Rudolf Giuliani threw out the baby with the bath water.

Although that being said I still love Amsterdam of all my cities come rain or shine or bone chilling temperatures. However when I do my hibernating i do it with my computer and imagination. I write, write and then write some more. Winters, like the night leave me alone with a minimum of distractions. That for me is where ideas are born.

Th end of last year was rough but productive. Last year I produced many e-books and paperback books. Oddly enough as a Leather man whose sexual life is heavy in the BDSM realm I have written very little on those themes. Write what you know was what I had been hearing most of my writing career but it seemed I didn’t completely practice what I preached and as a result I have produced little in the way of Leather sensibilities. So, meet Zander Frost a Leatherman of an indeterminable age.

Zander is building  a retreat that will house older fetish and kinky types who will have partners to play with and share their expertise with other older players.  Starting with THE CARETAKERS:ZANDER FROST is the trilogy I’ve always wanted to do. Zander grows, recruits and interviews , an interesting array of characters which I’m sure readers will delight in getting acquainted with.

As you know my former publisher and I have come to a parting of the ways.She motivated me to do better, write more, pay attention to details. Like most relationships there were moment of contention but I gave her a string of bestseller and she moved me to think of myself as something more than an X-rated writer, but a writer capable of more than 99 cents a sale.

Almost every idea I have these days is how I can incorporate it into Zander’s Place. Isn’t that how a series is born? Self Publishing is a challenge which I have done in he past back when I was breaking into books and moving away from short stories for magazines. It was a fairly easy accomplishment and even now it can still be very easy  to do and it does help you appreciate what it is that a publisher is supposed to do. It’s been my experience that the only drawback is finding distributors that will get your books out to your target audience. A lot of marketers seem to balk a bit at marketing XXX publications. Amazon banned two of my books in the past simply because the words “Daddy” and ‘Boy” were in the titles (Daddy Ben and Prison Boy Toy). Since my demographic is so specific, I will be using specialized marketing. We don’t write to get rich, we do it because we love it!

I hope that all the people who have downloaded their free copy of   “Zander’s Place”  have enjoyed it Below are copies of the books that I have self published. Missing is the series of Health and Fitness books that I published under the name RD Cain which are still available on request. Also missing, Do you work in the Nude? Hysterically illustrated and written chronicling my life as  Massage Therapist.

Above are a few of my self published books. 8×10 Illustrated by seven independent artists The art is x-rated. (2007) Hands Illustrated  (2010) Hands Illustrated is a beautifully illustrated book of short tales about fisting. Meditations and Affirmations (2007) Many black an white pictures and as the title says Meditations. Black men in Leather is the most successful  of my self published books. 171 pages of what black and white Leather rmen see in each other. All books pictured here are available on request.

Pain Management

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cain berligner, erotic ebook, inspiration, morphine, pain, pain management, writer, writing

Hello again! Hope everyone enjoyed the heat we’ve been experiencing on the east coast, a scorcher I hear. Of course I am still confined to home care. With a fully functioning A/C and a really awesome caregiving partner, I am all set to heal, bring it on, right now! Since June 18th I have had two days of which I can say I was not in pain. My health crisis (MRSA) is teaching me a little something about pain management and why its called ‘management’ . There are pain ‘levels’ and ‘types’ of pain. There are the pains that make you pay attention and the other pains that aren’t worth the Advil. My doctor says he doesn’t want me to get addicted to the pain pills. Pain pills manage the pain, they don’t get you high or buzzed or anything like that…for me anyway. What it does is it manages the way you process the pain that keeps you merely moaning in discomfort instead of screaming out right.

The pain is physical, the management is emotional and exhausting.

Screaming outright is what inspired my latest offering entitled “Morphine”. (Buy on Kindle here.) I like to compare its inception to William Burrough’s Junky and Naked Lunch except Morphine is not autobiographical in that sense nor are the characters real or even based on anyone that I know. Morphine is the emotional roller coaster ride you experience when you’re on Morphine, which is what the nurses at Woodhull had me on during my first few days after the first operation to remove my infection.

Screaming came just before the tears, unlike in the story where the tears build into screams. For instance, Archie’s love for his brothers physical perfection and the way they enhance his artistry starts outs as a homage that brings tears to his eyes, like while on the drug the pain was at a level that is a fire on low burn. As Archie’s madness increases, the morphine loses its power and the fire rises and you start to scream just as Archie’s brother begins to scream when the ‘art’ on his body is literally cut away.

One more example. My ambulance ride home from the hospital was a wild struggle over New York pot holes and rush hour traffic that had me bouncing madly about the back of the ambulance with sirens wailing. It translates into another scene from the book noted for its sheer violence and brutality, where Arthur is punched and beaten into submission such as I was in the back of the ambulance that brought me home.

There are many more instances where Morphine and reality meet, then go off in all directions, I’ve given just a few examples. Morphine is as dark a tale about sex and all its various forms that can bring out the most vile of emotions while under the influence of any drug, be it morphine or sex (as a drug) or another man who embodies it all. Maybe all that is in me as the writer and the Morphine just brought it to the surface. It took about two weeks to write the story which was started while I was on Morphine. I was downgraded to Vicaden just in time to dot the ‘i’s and cross the ‘T’s and the story mellowed out to its outcome. Dawne’s cover art captures the mood of the story brilliantly and as I look at the cover it comes back to me as I sail onto recovery.