4 months of physical and emotional Pain (ha!)

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amazon, bdsm, books, cain berligner, ebooks, erotic ebooks, erotica, gay, illness, inspiration, leather, pain, pain management, sex

4 Months of Physical and Emotional Pain (ha!)

The bad news is that I was having a bad time, even for me who tries to live life on a permanent fun ride. The good news is I’m back, as witnessed by my current blog entry. I’d like to take this moment to express my gratitude to those of my fans who hung in there sending their love and support for what I was going through.

For starters, the trilogy I had been working on (THE CARETAKERS, the story of a young man who wishes to open a retreat for aged BDSMers) was ‘dumped on’ by my publisher. Despite the success of the first installment “ZANDER’S PLACE” which

is still offerred as a free download.

First let me assure you that it was never my plan to get rich writing, especially via erotic romances. Of course “FIFTY SHADES OF GREY” has caused me to look at writing erotic romances with a less prejudiced eye to the possibilities! Anyway, the follow up installment was met with a lot less enthusiasm than my writings had been in the past decades.

I don’t know any creative person who doesn’t see their ‘creation’ as anything other than their ‘baby’! Attack my child, attack me. It is also not a revelation to know that many of us tend to have …well…uh…egos. Sometimes the more insecure we are the larger and more fragile our egos tend to be. I’m not saying that I’M insecure, (perish the thought!) lets just say that until the day I hit that one million sales mark I will continue to put my stories through rewrites up to and even right after publication.

My publisher, I must point out, has helped greatly in making me the writer that I am. She brought me from 1000 word short stories to 50,000 word-count stories and anthologies. That being said, she is also a writer and a business woman, but has no ‘bedside manner’ when it comes to personal interaction with her writers (at least not with me.)  You say if she improved my writing then I should be happy…yes, I hear you. Problem is, it’s a classic case of tossing out the baby with the bath water. She made me a better writer but she took the fun and joy out of writing. As I said earlier, I’m not in this for the money. Bottom line is I just stopped writing, EVERYTHING.

To make matters worse, while still being plagued with foot issues I developed Carpal Tunnel Syndrome which, contrary to popular belief, isn’t just for overworked writers. In my case it turned out to be a diabetic/arthritis complication and gradually I ended up with limited mobility in my right hand. I couldn’t hold onto things and my fingers had a mind of their own. The ailment didn’t interfere with my use of the keyboard but contributed to my general feeling of ‘loss’.

When my partner suggested a two month trip to Amsterdam I was in disbelief but jumped at the chance. Not only had I always been productive writing wise in Amsterdam, but I intended to use the time to ‘catch up’ on all my computer work and promoting myself by registering on sites and promoting the books that I had written.

I had also written two of my most successful stories inspired by previous trips to Amsterdam, “Daniel Does Amsterdam” and “I’ll be Damned“.

However my hand was rapidly deteriorating and I decided that I would have enough time to do the surgery and recuperate in time for the trip. I was half right. The surgery went well enough (jury is still out, I’m not dropping stuff anymore) but the recovery time is still going on a month later and I am on and off pain killers if not for the neuropathy then the surgical residue of healing. Besides after all, I am in Amsterdam

FYI The right hand is the challenged one. I am left handed in all things else.

There was a time when my “writer’s mode” consisted of whiskey and cigarettes which I called my Ernest Hemingway model. I now feel I am progressing into my William Burroughs’ mode, although not as drastic.

I no longer stayed up all night writing but adapted the “early to bed and early to rise” model of living. Hated it. My partner hated it more. I tend too be rather chatty in the morning. I even suggested we do a podcast of topics. Still a good idea I think, but that would mean we’d both have to be chatting.

That revelation, and the fact that I hate “early to bed..etc “, and I was missing writing was starting to get to me. Also, where it seemed I had only two options to getting my writing to the public, it turns out I might have three. One is to maintain my current position, I could self publish (which I’ve done a few times) or join my former editor in helping to make a change to another publishing house.

Certainly once I am fully over the self pity (fully in a day or so) I can come up with lots of refreshing ideas. One of them is practicing photography (some examples below) that will please me, publishers and you, good reader!

Amsterdam, which has long been my spiritual home, has worked its healing powers on me and given me more light and insight into not just my creative life but my personal life as well, which is also due for a few changes. Stepping outside the box, it is easier to look inside and see all that’s right or not right with its contents. A sort of broader oversight. I can see more clearly now.

See you sooner rather than later! Above pic: Me now with a new hat and a new attitude!)

CAIN BERLINGER

(Below, hidden talents as a photog?)

Baby its cold outside!

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bdsm, cain berligner, darkside, erotic, erotic ebook, gay, inspiration, international, leather

Baby It’s cold outside, How could I resist referring to the classic popular song. Because baby it has been positively Arctic outside. I hate the winters and tend to hibernate. It used to be  the more exciting the city the more horrendous the weather but with global warming that has changed somewhat.  New York it seems is always going to be the ‘excitement ‘ city of choice, even if many of its venues have slithered underground and the reputation it enjoyed in the 70’s is gone. Sure it cured crime but ruling mayor Rudolf Giuliani threw out the baby with the bath water.

Although that being said I still love Amsterdam of all my cities come rain or shine or bone chilling temperatures. However when I do my hibernating i do it with my computer and imagination. I write, write and then write some more. Winters, like the night leave me alone with a minimum of distractions. That for me is where ideas are born.

Th end of last year was rough but productive. Last year I produced many e-books and paperback books. Oddly enough as a Leather man whose sexual life is heavy in the BDSM realm I have written very little on those themes. Write what you know was what I had been hearing most of my writing career but it seemed I didn’t completely practice what I preached and as a result I have produced little in the way of Leather sensibilities. So, meet Zander Frost a Leatherman of an indeterminable age.

Zander is building  a retreat that will house older fetish and kinky types who will have partners to play with and share their expertise with other older players.  Starting with THE CARETAKERS:ZANDER FROST is the trilogy I’ve always wanted to do. Zander grows, recruits and interviews , an interesting array of characters which I’m sure readers will delight in getting acquainted with.

As you know my former publisher and I have come to a parting of the ways.She motivated me to do better, write more, pay attention to details. Like most relationships there were moment of contention but I gave her a string of bestseller and she moved me to think of myself as something more than an X-rated writer, but a writer capable of more than 99 cents a sale.

Almost every idea I have these days is how I can incorporate it into Zander’s Place. Isn’t that how a series is born? Self Publishing is a challenge which I have done in he past back when I was breaking into books and moving away from short stories for magazines. It was a fairly easy accomplishment and even now it can still be very easy  to do and it does help you appreciate what it is that a publisher is supposed to do. It’s been my experience that the only drawback is finding distributors that will get your books out to your target audience. A lot of marketers seem to balk a bit at marketing XXX publications. Amazon banned two of my books in the past simply because the words “Daddy” and ‘Boy” were in the titles (Daddy Ben and Prison Boy Toy). Since my demographic is so specific, I will be using specialized marketing. We don’t write to get rich, we do it because we love it!

I hope that all the people who have downloaded their free copy of   “Zander’s Place”  have enjoyed it Below are copies of the books that I have self published. Missing is the series of Health and Fitness books that I published under the name RD Cain which are still available on request. Also missing, Do you work in the Nude? Hysterically illustrated and written chronicling my life as  Massage Therapist.

Above are a few of my self published books. 8×10 Illustrated by seven independent artists The art is x-rated. (2007) Hands Illustrated  (2010) Hands Illustrated is a beautifully illustrated book of short tales about fisting. Meditations and Affirmations (2007) Many black an white pictures and as the title says Meditations. Black men in Leather is the most successful  of my self published books. 171 pages of what black and white Leather rmen see in each other. All books pictured here are available on request.

Autumn Colors

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cain berlinger, erotica, gay, writing

The weather’s changing, the leaves are falling and I’m enjoying the use of my silver tipped walking cane. Not a little surprising, but I’m getting people deferring to the ‘old guy on a stick’ and getting seats on the subway. It’s just one of the things I might miss being legally in the ‘handicap’…oops I mean physically challenged category. The last couple of weeks have sped by, with me spending more time in the Apple offices trying to ‘iCloud’ sync up my ‘devices’. Challenging, but satisfying once it’s been resolved. I want to thank my readers for checking in on my guest page and leaving me cheers, encouragement and no jeers on my career and health advancement.

The by now, much documented foot injury was nature’s call for me to slow down. I narrowed it down to focusing on my sex-fetish website, my sex fetish parties, and my sex-fetish writings. Truly there is a pattern being established here. The general wisdom has always been a)”if you count the nickels and dimes the dollars will take care of themselves” and b) “If you do the thing(s) you love, you can’t help but be good at it and then the bucks will follow”. The jury is still out on both of those adages but I have to say, I’m having a good time just sitting here waiting for your cards and letters.

While struggling with the DVR trying to keep up with all the new shows on network and cable, I’m being captivated by the European dramas over seas, wondering if the collapse of the euro is going to somehow trigger my having to find a 9-5 back here in the good ol’ US of A. Once again I dream about my life in Amsterdam and resuming its many pleasures!

This week’s BEAUTY AND THE BEAST 2300 AD is the first in a series. Can a genetically altered street fighting gladiator find happiness with a haughty, self centered opera divo (male version of diva)? Part one is where the two lovers first connect up in a dramatic kidnapping attempt. Part Two not only focuses on their escape but Haydan Petigrew, the sadistic warden of the prison where the street fighter has escaped.

The warden’s a real hard ass and practices some rather unsavory methods of keeping his men in line while enjoying himself at the same time. There’s bound to be a lot of emotional and physical activity with these startling personalities in tow.

HEIR (out 2nd December) is another juicy-kink installment in the Daddy Ben series. The story of a man basically building a ‘family’ by rescuing hot young men from some challenging circumstances.

In HEIR Jean-Luc is the nephew of a wealthy french attache who is kidnapped by unsavory types. Despite what they do to him, it seems to just get his dick hard. Wonder what that’s all about? It’s a short but entertaining read.

“It’s hard to keep momentum when it’s you you’re following” – Evita.

He Said What?

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cain berlinger, ebook, gay, mm

Wow oh wow for a guy who loves to write I’ve been sadly remiss in keeping my blog postings up. Thanks to you all of you who reminded me of my responsibility to my readers, but I have an excuse. My foot’s getting better! I’m using a cane now (yes, Cain on cane…get it out yer system.) and getting out of the house in time to enjoy Autumn in New York, arguably the best time of the year. Unfortunately no pain really can mean no gain, so the better I’m getting the more pain but hey, inspiration has to come from somewhere. When you are a writer, inspiration comes in all shapes from all places and let’s not forget that there’s nothing on television that can’t be redone to fit our own sense and sensibilities. Special thanks go out to the men and women of Fetlife.com. There are some wild ideas out there, a gold mine waiting to be tapped!

I hope that you had a chance to enjoy Return to Canyon Ranch, one of the two sequels that I have ever written. As a writer I feel I should challenge myself and not bore my readers, so when the spirit presents itself I try my hand at different genres. Canyon Ranch isn’t my first Western themed tale but definitely the most involved. As I love to say, the story began to write itself, and when the story itself makes me happy I’m convinced my readers will enjoy my enjoyment in presenting it to them. Patterned after the American TV classic “Bonanza”, the story follows the adventures of the stud brothers Ross, as they battle cattle rustler Whip Dagger, in his plot to avenge what ends up being merely a broken heart.

This week we plunge in to the behind the scenes world of The Rock Star and the hard luck life they lead behind the scenes and the men hired to protect, and yes even to love them.

Many of my fans have come to recognize many of my tales as having a hard edge sometimes even dark side to them, but every now and then I bridge the gap between drama, romance and sheer fun, and The Rock Star is one of those stories. More about my Dark Side in my next blog installment as “Tales from the Darkside”, my first anthology in e-books and hard copy makes its release around October 21 just in time for Halloween. Not all monsters actually look like monsters but appear in the guise of hot sultry men who have all been noble agendas!

I wouldn’t be where I am if it weren’t for the constant encouragement of my fans and well wishers! I have to tell you a big part of the healing process comes from friends and supporters encouraging me to get well…and soon! I can’t thank all of you enough for the healing vibes (and guestbook postings) coming my way. Believe me nothing humbles you more.

Some really cool surprises lie ahead as the seasons begin to pile up! My final word for this blog is my thanks to Steve Jobs. R.I.P.

See you on the next rung!

S’Long Summer

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ebook, erotica, gay, pain, warriors, writing

Forgive the brief absence but I had to take some time to pick myself up from the floor. Summer’s done! White ducks into the storage bin, sweaters out of the vacuum seal wrappers (really does work). They are canceling television shows as fast as I can record them, while some of my favorites “take a break”. How many TRUE BLOOD episodes am I going to have to relive online before Bill, Eric and Sookie come back to me? Well, I bit the bullet and not only got a land line but a DVR so I can watch more TV but fewer commercials. Time wise I guess it all balances out. I tend to hibernate in the winter.

I know everyone’s dying to know “Hey Cain, what about the foot?” Well, the foot is healing quite well, thank you for asking. I can walk without a cane but prefer walking with it so I don’t come across on the streets of New York as being feeble and easy prey for the predators. My cane can be perceived as a powerful weapon, or not. The foot pain of course is my ever present buddy. I’ve made peace with it in all of its many manifestations, and I am told by my doctor that it won’t be gone till the wound is totally closed. More vicadin please.

All the important people in my life did ok by me this summer in my time of crisis, in one way or another. Some more than others, and if they are reading this they know who they are. Never ever though did I hurt for love or support in whatever form it took. An e-mail, a Facebook posting, all meant a lot and served its purpose. Don’t ever think that a simple “How are you feeling?” isn’t speeding the healing process. It always helps to know someone cares.

I’m also saying bon voyage (good journey) to a dear friend and client. For over seven years I have been this man’s personal trainer in his building’s gym and later the New York Sport Club. I’ve been his life coach battling his demons as well as occasionally my own. He’s leaving for Florida and I’ll miss him, but no one stays away from New York for long. Many will come screaming back the same way they were screaming when they left. That’s New York.

This week’s offering is WARRIORS and it will always be special to me because it was the first time I learned the value of “backing up” what I write on the computer. The first draft of WARRIORS disappeared into computer hell, through no fault of my own, (really I swear) and I could not retrieve it. I literally took to my bed, devastated, as I felt at the time that it was the best piece I’d ever written and I’d never be that imaginative again. I never tried to recapture what I had written and moved on to other projects. Yes, I left it to die, languish, whatever.

Well years later I gathered up my courage and pulled out what was left of WARRIORS out of the archives (notes, lines, thoughts). Completely re-wrote it and am prouder of it now than I ever was. I introduced new elements into it that had previously not existed and cut down a lot of excessive description, preferring to let the reader picture in his own mind the beauty of the native village and its people.

My favorite scene in the whole story is the dance around the fire. I played on my ipod certain drum selections that played through my headphones as I wrote about the sensuality and overt sexuality between the men and women of the tribe, as they welcomed the conquering hero into their fold. WARRIOR unites western culture with a culture vaguely resembling Mayan in its beauty and simplicity. Our hero’s journey toward redeeming his life and entering upon a new phase, is touching, tender and at the same time both challenging and exciting.

Please remember to sign my guestbook and let me know what you think of this blog, my stories or just to say hello!