4 months of physical and emotional Pain (ha!)

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amazon, bdsm, books, cain berligner, ebooks, erotic ebooks, erotica, gay, illness, inspiration, leather, pain, pain management, sex

4 Months of Physical and Emotional Pain (ha!)

The bad news is that I was having a bad time, even for me who tries to live life on a permanent fun ride. The good news is I’m back, as witnessed by my current blog entry. I’d like to take this moment to express my gratitude to those of my fans who hung in there sending their love and support for what I was going through.

For starters, the trilogy I had been working on (THE CARETAKERS, the story of a young man who wishes to open a retreat for aged BDSMers) was ‘dumped on’ by my publisher. Despite the success of the first installment “ZANDER’S PLACE” which

is still offerred as a free download.

First let me assure you that it was never my plan to get rich writing, especially via erotic romances. Of course “FIFTY SHADES OF GREY” has caused me to look at writing erotic romances with a less prejudiced eye to the possibilities! Anyway, the follow up installment was met with a lot less enthusiasm than my writings had been in the past decades.

I don’t know any creative person who doesn’t see their ‘creation’ as anything other than their ‘baby’! Attack my child, attack me. It is also not a revelation to know that many of us tend to have …well…uh…egos. Sometimes the more insecure we are the larger and more fragile our egos tend to be. I’m not saying that I’M insecure, (perish the thought!) lets just say that until the day I hit that one million sales mark I will continue to put my stories through rewrites up to and even right after publication.

My publisher, I must point out, has helped greatly in making me the writer that I am. She brought me from 1000 word short stories to 50,000 word-count stories and anthologies. That being said, she is also a writer and a business woman, but has no ‘bedside manner’ when it comes to personal interaction with her writers (at least not with me.)  You say if she improved my writing then I should be happy…yes, I hear you. Problem is, it’s a classic case of tossing out the baby with the bath water. She made me a better writer but she took the fun and joy out of writing. As I said earlier, I’m not in this for the money. Bottom line is I just stopped writing, EVERYTHING.

To make matters worse, while still being plagued with foot issues I developed Carpal Tunnel Syndrome which, contrary to popular belief, isn’t just for overworked writers. In my case it turned out to be a diabetic/arthritis complication and gradually I ended up with limited mobility in my right hand. I couldn’t hold onto things and my fingers had a mind of their own. The ailment didn’t interfere with my use of the keyboard but contributed to my general feeling of ‘loss’.

When my partner suggested a two month trip to Amsterdam I was in disbelief but jumped at the chance. Not only had I always been productive writing wise in Amsterdam, but I intended to use the time to ‘catch up’ on all my computer work and promoting myself by registering on sites and promoting the books that I had written.

I had also written two of my most successful stories inspired by previous trips to Amsterdam, “Daniel Does Amsterdam” and “I’ll be Damned“.

However my hand was rapidly deteriorating and I decided that I would have enough time to do the surgery and recuperate in time for the trip. I was half right. The surgery went well enough (jury is still out, I’m not dropping stuff anymore) but the recovery time is still going on a month later and I am on and off pain killers if not for the neuropathy then the surgical residue of healing. Besides after all, I am in Amsterdam

FYI The right hand is the challenged one. I am left handed in all things else.

There was a time when my “writer’s mode” consisted of whiskey and cigarettes which I called my Ernest Hemingway model. I now feel I am progressing into my William Burroughs’ mode, although not as drastic.

I no longer stayed up all night writing but adapted the “early to bed and early to rise” model of living. Hated it. My partner hated it more. I tend too be rather chatty in the morning. I even suggested we do a podcast of topics. Still a good idea I think, but that would mean we’d both have to be chatting.

That revelation, and the fact that I hate “early to bed..etc “, and I was missing writing was starting to get to me. Also, where it seemed I had only two options to getting my writing to the public, it turns out I might have three. One is to maintain my current position, I could self publish (which I’ve done a few times) or join my former editor in helping to make a change to another publishing house.

Certainly once I am fully over the self pity (fully in a day or so) I can come up with lots of refreshing ideas. One of them is practicing photography (some examples below) that will please me, publishers and you, good reader!

Amsterdam, which has long been my spiritual home, has worked its healing powers on me and given me more light and insight into not just my creative life but my personal life as well, which is also due for a few changes. Stepping outside the box, it is easier to look inside and see all that’s right or not right with its contents. A sort of broader oversight. I can see more clearly now.

See you sooner rather than later! Above pic: Me now with a new hat and a new attitude!)

CAIN BERLINGER

(Below, hidden talents as a photog?)

S’Long Summer

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ebook, erotica, gay, pain, warriors, writing

Forgive the brief absence but I had to take some time to pick myself up from the floor. Summer’s done! White ducks into the storage bin, sweaters out of the vacuum seal wrappers (really does work). They are canceling television shows as fast as I can record them, while some of my favorites “take a break”. How many TRUE BLOOD episodes am I going to have to relive online before Bill, Eric and Sookie come back to me? Well, I bit the bullet and not only got a land line but a DVR so I can watch more TV but fewer commercials. Time wise I guess it all balances out. I tend to hibernate in the winter.

I know everyone’s dying to know “Hey Cain, what about the foot?” Well, the foot is healing quite well, thank you for asking. I can walk without a cane but prefer walking with it so I don’t come across on the streets of New York as being feeble and easy prey for the predators. My cane can be perceived as a powerful weapon, or not. The foot pain of course is my ever present buddy. I’ve made peace with it in all of its many manifestations, and I am told by my doctor that it won’t be gone till the wound is totally closed. More vicadin please.

All the important people in my life did ok by me this summer in my time of crisis, in one way or another. Some more than others, and if they are reading this they know who they are. Never ever though did I hurt for love or support in whatever form it took. An e-mail, a Facebook posting, all meant a lot and served its purpose. Don’t ever think that a simple “How are you feeling?” isn’t speeding the healing process. It always helps to know someone cares.

I’m also saying bon voyage (good journey) to a dear friend and client. For over seven years I have been this man’s personal trainer in his building’s gym and later the New York Sport Club. I’ve been his life coach battling his demons as well as occasionally my own. He’s leaving for Florida and I’ll miss him, but no one stays away from New York for long. Many will come screaming back the same way they were screaming when they left. That’s New York.

This week’s offering is WARRIORS and it will always be special to me because it was the first time I learned the value of “backing up” what I write on the computer. The first draft of WARRIORS disappeared into computer hell, through no fault of my own, (really I swear) and I could not retrieve it. I literally took to my bed, devastated, as I felt at the time that it was the best piece I’d ever written and I’d never be that imaginative again. I never tried to recapture what I had written and moved on to other projects. Yes, I left it to die, languish, whatever.

Well years later I gathered up my courage and pulled out what was left of WARRIORS out of the archives (notes, lines, thoughts). Completely re-wrote it and am prouder of it now than I ever was. I introduced new elements into it that had previously not existed and cut down a lot of excessive description, preferring to let the reader picture in his own mind the beauty of the native village and its people.

My favorite scene in the whole story is the dance around the fire. I played on my ipod certain drum selections that played through my headphones as I wrote about the sensuality and overt sexuality between the men and women of the tribe, as they welcomed the conquering hero into their fold. WARRIOR unites western culture with a culture vaguely resembling Mayan in its beauty and simplicity. Our hero’s journey toward redeeming his life and entering upon a new phase, is touching, tender and at the same time both challenging and exciting.

Please remember to sign my guestbook and let me know what you think of this blog, my stories or just to say hello!

Pain Management

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cain berligner, erotic ebook, inspiration, morphine, pain, pain management, writer, writing

Hello again! Hope everyone enjoyed the heat we’ve been experiencing on the east coast, a scorcher I hear. Of course I am still confined to home care. With a fully functioning A/C and a really awesome caregiving partner, I am all set to heal, bring it on, right now! Since June 18th I have had two days of which I can say I was not in pain. My health crisis (MRSA) is teaching me a little something about pain management and why its called ‘management’ . There are pain ‘levels’ and ‘types’ of pain. There are the pains that make you pay attention and the other pains that aren’t worth the Advil. My doctor says he doesn’t want me to get addicted to the pain pills. Pain pills manage the pain, they don’t get you high or buzzed or anything like that…for me anyway. What it does is it manages the way you process the pain that keeps you merely moaning in discomfort instead of screaming out right.

The pain is physical, the management is emotional and exhausting.

Screaming outright is what inspired my latest offering entitled “Morphine”. (Buy on Kindle here.) I like to compare its inception to William Burrough’s Junky and Naked Lunch except Morphine is not autobiographical in that sense nor are the characters real or even based on anyone that I know. Morphine is the emotional roller coaster ride you experience when you’re on Morphine, which is what the nurses at Woodhull had me on during my first few days after the first operation to remove my infection.

Screaming came just before the tears, unlike in the story where the tears build into screams. For instance, Archie’s love for his brothers physical perfection and the way they enhance his artistry starts outs as a homage that brings tears to his eyes, like while on the drug the pain was at a level that is a fire on low burn. As Archie’s madness increases, the morphine loses its power and the fire rises and you start to scream just as Archie’s brother begins to scream when the ‘art’ on his body is literally cut away.

One more example. My ambulance ride home from the hospital was a wild struggle over New York pot holes and rush hour traffic that had me bouncing madly about the back of the ambulance with sirens wailing. It translates into another scene from the book noted for its sheer violence and brutality, where Arthur is punched and beaten into submission such as I was in the back of the ambulance that brought me home.

There are many more instances where Morphine and reality meet, then go off in all directions, I’ve given just a few examples. Morphine is as dark a tale about sex and all its various forms that can bring out the most vile of emotions while under the influence of any drug, be it morphine or sex (as a drug) or another man who embodies it all. Maybe all that is in me as the writer and the Morphine just brought it to the surface. It took about two weeks to write the story which was started while I was on Morphine. I was downgraded to Vicaden just in time to dot the ‘i’s and cross the ‘T’s and the story mellowed out to its outcome. Dawne’s cover art captures the mood of the story brilliantly and as I look at the cover it comes back to me as I sail onto recovery.

Survival

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illness, pain, writing

Hey CainB fans, when last I left you I was putting on a brave face surrounding my injuries as though they were small and didn’t matter much. Well, they are big, were life threatening and I am still terrified …but…I can happily say that the MHRSA infection seems to clearing up. Slowly but surely my foot is starting to look like a foot again as opposed to raw meat day at the zoo. The doctor says the nerves along the drainage site are healing and that is why I am in such excruciating pain. Your e-mails of hope ad support are need and appreciated, thank you so much.

My survival package includes lots of television comedy (TOSH. O), day time dramas (don’t judge me) and my writing – I get lost in my writing. These are the secrets to surviving catastrophic health debacles. When the pain is to much to focus on new ideas, run to your treasure trove of old stories stashed on your flash drive. No, I have not abandoned “Bucky”, my mystery novel, I’m just putting it on hold till I can find fresh ideas to represent the old concepts. Everything old is new again.

I did find some early gems such as “Breakaway” and old fashioned strangers on a train kind of story, “The Pharoah Sons”, and “Ty’s Solution” – a tender love tale of when servants overstep their stations, a cautionary tale. Some would argue that all romance tales are cautionary tales. I use the exotic ambiance as gimmicky and romantic something to hang the story on…Sometimes, in my opinion, it is all that holds a tale together, and the ability to be a part of the story.

Please play close attention to “Warriors” when it comes out in a few weeks. I try to keep PC out of my fantasies and my bedroom. “Warriors” is about a young man who escapes into a desert oasis and falls in with a village of Indians/other people/Mayans. As writers we need to be aware of the “sensitivities” of our readers. But do we censor for them as a form of protection? Or do we drop the “F” bomb of “N” word because it is integral to the story? Weigh in mighty readers. What say you?

Neither tale is special to me as only my carnal juices go into these romance stories which I call my “fluff” pieces. They are warm and cuddly like plush toys. They give you a certain comfort that there but for the right location, and time, there goes you.

As you can see this web site is growing faster and more beautiful as the days go by, Jay Lancaster is doin’ it right. There are several features that we are working on that I want to comment on, but it can wait. Also my brilliant editor is working up a few surprises for my readers that is bound to inspire other writers as she has me. Dawne Dominique is blowing me away with the kind of book covers where I find myself sometimes writing to see what she’ll get out of it.

This health/foot issue is not going to be finished to August and maybe September, on the other hand, no sweat and I’m creating, meeting folks and catching up to my online famly. When the Universe comes a calling better answer.

Round up: Thanks for visiting my site and reading my blog. I take nothing for granted. Please stop by my guest book and add a few words, ask some question, offer up some suggestions, it means a lot to me to know theres someone out there interested….Oh by the way my banner is up and ready to fly so if you’re interested in doing a banner exchange by all means contact me. I love our community! There’s the doorbell. Until next time!